I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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