Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
