She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize