Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
