I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
