The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
