So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
