yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
