I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
