I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
