he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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