my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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