She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
