At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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