I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
