I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
