I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
