I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
