He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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