Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
