Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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