Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize