your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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