I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You can't special order awesome
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize