You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
