omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
