If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
