I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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