I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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