Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
