No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
