I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can text with my tongue
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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