you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize