My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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