I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
