Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
