I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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