I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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