apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
