Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
