the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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