Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
