i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
