youre lurking in front of me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
