its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
