I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
