did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
