There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
