It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
