My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
