She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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