Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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