I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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