I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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