We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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