Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
