8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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