and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
