oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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