I just made out with a guy for $7.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I believe in your delicious
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
