If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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