One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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