i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize