Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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