Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
