At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
