I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
