my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
