wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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