...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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